He Loves Her More
by PussyWillowCat
Summary: John Casey loved Sarah Walker. A collection of oneshots about Casey and Sarah. Casey/Sarah
1. Comparrisons

John Casey trusted very few people in his life. Maybe five, if that. It seemed strange that four of them were here with him, now. Alex, Morgan, Chuck and Sarah. He would have, albeit reluctantly, given his life for them. He would have died for Alex, been tortured a million times for Chuck, would shoot himself for Morgan. And then there was Sarah... Wonderful, wonderful Sarah. The spy that was so closed off, the spy that was perhaps more private then even him. He would have died a hundred million times for her, repeatedly. To protect her. Sarah with her compassion, and her love and her loyalty and her secretive ways. Secrets he could understand. God knows he has plenty or secrets himself. But Sarah had more. Chuck loved Sarah. He could see it in his eyes, the way they glazed over when she was there. Casey's eyes were always sharp and clear, alert, ready for anything. Chuck would always lean a bit toward Sarah, his arm around her, his hand in hers. Casey would keep himself upright, resisting the urge to take her hand. Chuck loved Sarah. But Casey loved her more. Sarah loved Chuck. It was obvious almost immediately after the first year. She loved his touchy feely ways and his geekiness and his love for confessing emotions. She loved his humor and his Buy More job and his relatives. Sarah loved Casey. She loved his gruffness, his bravery, his secrecy. She loved his respect and experience and his insults and his slightly offensive humor. Sarah loved Casey. But she loved Chuck more. If she had a choice, she would pick Chuck. If Casey had a choice, he would pick Sarah. Chuck loved Sarah. Casey loved her more. Sarah loved Casey. She loved Chuck more.


	2. Denying

"What? Walker is only my partner, a fellow agent." Deny it. That was the first step. He must deny every accusation that was thrown at him that involved Sarah. The denials must be said with slight disgust and revulsion, to get the message across. Any other emotion would arise suspicion. Casey would always wince noticeably when he denied it, because he knew it wasn't true. It never had been. Sarah had never and would never be only a fellow agent to him. She was much, much more. He would deny it to the ends of the earth and back. Every second of every day he would live in a fake persona. Until night falls. When darkness took over and everyone was sleeping, Casey could and would not deny it anymore.


	3. Sapphires in the Dark

Ever since he had set his eyes on her, he was enchanted. The way her gold hair curled slightly around her shoulders. The way her eyes were like sapphires in the dark. Her eyes were so very blue. Bluer then any other shade he had ever seen. They glowed softly, gently and compassionate, even when she was angry. God, how he loved those eyes. It didn't matter they weren't directed at him. It didn't matter that they didn't light up when Casey came into the room like they did for Chuck. One of the things he'd miss about her was her eyes. So blue, as blue as denim. As blue as the sky. As blue as the Carribean. They were like sapphires in the dark.


	4. Hate Is Such a Strong Word

Today, after everything boils over, he discovers something. He hates Chuck, or at least strongly disliked him. Maybe tomorrow, Chuck will go back to being a close friend, but right now, he hates Chuck. Hate is such a strong word, but not strong enough. Not strong enough to explain the pain he feels when Chuck kisses Sarah. Not strong enough to fix the broken parts of himself. There is only one thing that could fix him, but that one thing belongs to Chuck, and Casey hates him for it. He hates Sarah, too. Just a little bit, but it's enough to fuel his anger. It's enough to make his movements jerky when he hears Chuck and Sarah whispering. He hates Chuck for stealing away the second woman he ever loved. He hates Chuck for being so damn happy. It isn't fair, he thinks. It isn't fair that Chuck gets everything while everyday Casey feels as if he's being dragged over broken glass. Hate is such a strong word, but it's plenty strong for the feeling he got today when Chuck looked at Sarah. It was more then enough to explain what he felt when Sarah hugged Chuck. He had no one to hug. No one to look at. And since he doesn't, he doesn't look at anybody. Of course, he wishes he could look at her. That it was him she kissed, instead of Chuck. That it was him she checked to see if he was okay. Hate is such as strong word, but right now, it isn't strong enough.


	5. If Only

"If only..." she would say softly, her hand trailing down the bannister. Her blue eyes would glimmer with a hint of unshed tears. "If only," he would think, wishing things could have been different. If only he had talked to her. If only he had told her. If only it was him that held her at night. If only it was him she would kiss good morning to. If only... If onlys would crowd his head until he reached a breaking point. He would run away again, and yet hate himself for doing it. Running away was what got him here in the first place. His wished that his memories of her would float away, become wisps of smoke on his memory. He knew they wouldn't. He had held them to close to him before, and now it was too late to let them go. If only... If only she had not fallen in love with Chuck. If only he had a little bit more time. If only he could actually tell her. He would lye awake at night, knowing it was him, it was him that brought this upon himself.

_If only..._


	6. Jubilance

She had kissed him. The kiss still lingered on his cheek, warm and soft and everything he had imagined it would be. Her smell, a mix of vanilla and roses, still clung to his clothing. Chuck got that everyday. Casey wondered if he knew he was that lucky. He felt so happy, so jubilant. He felt like running a thousands miles, just to see if he could. God, he loved her. And this kiss, this kiss proved that maybe, just maybe, he had a chance. Of course, he knew he didn't. But just for today, when she had kissed him, couldn't he pretend? Just to make him content? Of course, he knew he was reading into this much more then he should. Just a kiss between friends, right? But he pretended for a minute longer. He felt so jubilant.


	7. Kiss

This was different. He hadn't meant to, but just as she was leaning in to kiss his cheek, he turned his head, and they're lips met. For one seemingly never ending second, her lips were upon his, and damn, it was all he knew it would be. Damn Chuck. He wished they had never met Chuck, that the Intersect was a girl. Then Sarah could've been his, unless Sarah fell for girls. He didn't know, maybe she did. Casey knew very little about Sarah, he realized. It scared him that he knew so little, yet loved her so much. He wondered exactly how much he would have loved her if he knew all there was to know. Did Chuck know as much as he did, or more? Probably more, he knew. Chuck was closer to Sarah then Casey would ever be. Maybe someday, he would know more. Maybe someday, he could actually know Sarah Walker.


	8. Lester

Damn moron. Why should he be forced to spend the day with him? Sarah and Chuck had sent Castle into lock down, with them in it. Casey didn't want to think what they were doing down there. Lester was sitting on the Nerd Herd counter, his feet propped up on the chair. "Get your feet down!" Casey snarled. He hated the Buy More's lack of disipline. Lester's eyes widened and he hurriedly removed his feet. "Y-you can't hurt me, Casey!" Lester said, though he still looked worried. Casey just glowered at him menacingly. "Where are Chuck and Sarah?" Lester asked. Casey visibly faltered. Chuck and Sarah were doing things in Castle, and it hurt to think of his Sarah with Chuck. "They're off somewhere together," Casey growled. Lester eyed his large and intimdating colleage with interest. There was a flicker of something in his eyes. "I can see the appeal, my friend. I'm sorry about Sarah." Casey's eyes visibly widened. "What?" "I'm sorry." It might have been one of the most sincere things Lester had ever said.


	9. Morgan

Sarah, Casey and Morgan were all gathered around the TV in Ellie's house. Chuck had gone to the bathroom, and Ellie had been called away for some doctor thing. "What movie should we watch?" Sarah asked, her blonde hair glowing in blue light.

"Star Wars." Morgan said. Sarah wrinkled her nose, whilst Casey couldn't tear his eyes away from her. She looked so beautiful right then. Morgan observed the way Casey was staring at Sarah. The Colonel's eyes, which were usually hard, were open and loving. Suddenly, everything clicked. Casey's sullenness, his almost undetectable protectiveness. Casey loved Sarah. Morgan wasn't very observant, but he could see it clearly in John's eyes.


	10. Nothing

Nothing. That was all that was left. He had sat in Castle and saw it all. Saw Sarah confess her love to Chuck, saw them kiss. He knew this was coming, he knew, but he had hoped. Hoped that perhaps Sarah didn't love Chuck as much as it seemed. Hoped that maybe, just maybe, he'd have a chance. Well, it was too late. Too late to tell her, too late to be what they could have been. All that was left was nothing. Perhaps not. Perhaps, if he could actually gather the courage to tell her, it wasn't too late. He still had a chance. But, in part of him, there was still nothing.


	11. Release

In his own way, he loved Gertrude. He did, but at the same time, every second he spent with her was like getting burned. The guilt wore him down constantly. It wasn't Gertrude he saw in his arms at night. Her dark hair would lighten to blond, and her chocolate eyes would turn azure blue. He would close his eyes and sigh contentedly, because one breath taking moment, Sarah lay in his arms. As Gertrude breathed, "I love you," his eyes would shoot open, and his fantasy would fly away. Gertrude was a release. He held her because he couldn't hold Sarah. He tried to love her, even though he knew that he never, ever would. Sometimes, he would close his eyes and a few tears would fall out of his eyes. Oh, how he wished. Oh, how he wanted her. "I love you, Casey," she murmured. "I love you, too, Sarah," he said back. Her blonde hair tickled his nose. His eyes shot open to an empty bed, in an empty house.


	12. Running Away

"What's wrong, Casey?" She asks. He looks away, not meeting her blue gaze. "Nothing," he says, and then he runs. He runs away. "Talk to me, Casey," she says. He turns away, biting his tongue from spilling what he must keep secret. He runs away, away from the danger of true emotion, away from the pain of rejection. If she says those four words, ones he's been dreading, he doesn't think he could run anymore. "I love you!" He longs to say. He wishes he said it during those long, boring nights in Castle. He wishes he said before today, before she becomes someone else's. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today..." He turns his head away, unable to see her blue eyes shining with happiness, unable to see her be happy with Chuck. They have every right to be happy, but he doesn't care. He wants, no, needs to be in Chuck's place right now. He needs her hands in his as they slip the ring on each other's fingers. He needs to kiss her and make her his bride, no one else's. Instead, he watches as she kisses Chuck and they become each other's. Not sure if he can take the pain, he turns away. How he longs to run far, far away


	13. Sometimes

Sometimes, he watches her on the camera. Sometimes, he needs her so badly that the only way the pain can go away, is if he sees her. Sees her smile, sees her eyes. Sometimes, he lies in bed and pretends to hold her. Sometimes, he was afraid of what feeling were running through. Sometimes, he wishes that they would disappear. But then he sees her smile, hears her laugh, holds her hand, and he thinks, how could I ever let this go? And that sustains him until the next time the pain sets it. Sometimes, he closes his eyes and sees something that he wants. "I love you, John," she'd say. "I love you, too, Sarah," he'd reply, as she would fall asleep in his arms. The morning after, he sees her laughing with Chuck, and feels the broken feeling that was always there set upon him. He swallows and turns away, and hides behind violence and crude humor. Sometimes, he misses her.


	14. Talk To Me

"Talk to me."  
They were agents, and they couldn't discuss anything that happened with anyone. Even Chuck would be dangerous. All they had were each other.  
"Talk to me," she'd say, over glasses of wine in Castle.

"Come on, John. You know you can talk to me," her voice would be slightly pleading, begging for Casey to tell her his secrets. "Nah, Walker. I'm not the sharing type," he'd reply, and she would look down with a flicker of defeat and sadness in her gaze. Now, now when she stood in Chuck's arms, now when she no longer needed Casey to talk to, he regretted it. If only he had talked to her. If only he had trusted her. If only... Late at night, laughter and voices could be heard from their house, because she was talking to Chuck, talking to Chuck like she had never talked to Casey. She had given him the chance, but he had shot her down, and now he would grip his pillow and wish for something different.

"Talk to me." He whispers.


	15. What Really Scared HIm

He connected to her in a way different then he had to anyone else. She was different, special. She was secretive and gorgeous and made you feel like she was telling you something, though in reality, she wasn't telling anything at all. Casey hadn't mastered this trick, and didn't he ever would. When he met her, he felt the urge to tell her everything. Don't be stupid, he told himself, but he couldn't rid himself of the feeling. He could fight it, and hold it back, but not defeat it completely. She never told him anything. No, she told Chuck. Chuck to her was what she was to Casey. If he was, then Casey could not begrudge her of it. He knew all too well what it felt like. It was only the utter wrongness of Casey's situation that made him hold back. Of course, it wasn't like her's and Chuck's wasn't any better, but when in comparison, it was like they were made for each other. He had always thought that it wasn't his fault that he hadn't told him. But in the end, it was, and that was what really scared him, that it was all his fault. Well, if one thing was remaining and solid in his life, it was his feelings for her. He loved her now, and he would love her forever.


	16. Cold and Broken

This was all that was left. Cold and broken. He was happy for them, he was, but it was so cold. So hard to carry on without that tiny flame of hope he got whenever she smiled. Broken. He hoped they were happy together, it was obvious they loved each other. He should have known nothing could break their "connection" as Chuck put it. He should have known, but he didn't. So everyday he looked forward to seeing her, seeing her smile. He could feel a little piece of him break whenever she leaned into Chuck, when their lips met. And finally, every part of him was cracked. Today had finished him. He was broken. The heat of his love had kept him holding on. The warm feeling he got when she touched him had made his day brighter, each moment shine a little bit brighter. But now without those little secret sparkles were gone, and it left him feeling cold. He was cold. So, so cold.


	17. You and I

When Sarah was insecure and hurting and wanting Chuck, she would talk to Casey. Not very personally, just about Chuck, because they were working on the same thing, so they could only really talk about related things. "You and I, we'll make it," Casey would reassure her. She would shake her head, her blonde hair quivering. "But, there's so much that's wrong!" Casey just wraps an arm around her. You and I, we wouldn't be wrong, he thinks. It would be so easy to lift her chin and kiss her and make it right. But her and him, they were even more wrong then Chuck and her. So, so wrong, but to Casey, so, so right. "You and I, we can do the mission." He says again. Sarah just nods into her shoulder. You and I, he thinks. There is no you and I.


	18. Alex

Alex was utterly perfect, to him. She was like him and like her mother, and, in a way, like Sarah. She had perfect blue eyes and curly red brown hair and was more important to him then almost anything else. "I know about, Sarah," she says one day at when he's eating cherry pie. He chokes and looks up. Her blue eyes were sympathetic and compassionate and understanding. "What?" He demands, trying to deny it. "I know, Dad. There's no use trying to deny it, it's almost obvious." He tries not to hug his daughter. God, he loves her. She leans forward and hugs him. He closes his eyes and leans into her embrace, suddenly so very grateful that he has her. Images flash through his mind. Sarah, her hair blowing around her face. Her blue eyes sparkling in the sunlight. Sarah holding a gun and aiming and firing her, a look of terrible, terrible coldness on her face. And then she turns and smiles at him, a beaming happy smile. He stifled a sob, biting it back. It comes out as a growl. "I know, I know," Alex says, and holds him tighter. "I know."


	19. Hoping For Something

"Who are you?"

When she says these words, he feels a flicker of hope. A kind of hope that he hadn't felt for such a long time. She has forgotten Chuck, and though Casey was worried, he can't help but feel hope. She's forgotten him, too. That hurts, so very much. There is no flicker or recognition in her eyes, no playful smile. She has forgotten every moment between them. Maybe this is his chance. Maybe he can tell her. Maybe he can fix what he messed up so long ago. In the end, he doesn't do it. Chuck is practically crying, maybe that was why. He doesn't know why he's standing outside her door, holding the video that could very well lead her back to Chuck. Love makes you do crazy things, he supposes. Even if it hurts, even if every cell in his body is begging to grab the tape back, he doesn't. If it means she could be happy, then so be it. He pretends, for a moment, that all is okay. Of course, that doesn't last long. In the end, he's hoping for something. Something that isn't there.


	20. Gone

He says he's leaving, but of course he's only gone for two weeks. He can't stay away from her for too long. She's his sun, his drug. It's far, far too late to stop now. When he get's back, he finds a surprise waiting for him. Sarah's left Chuck. Chuck was broken. As broken as Casey, as destroyed as he is. Casey understands, he knows what it's like to have Sarah Walker leave you. So he comforts Chuck and sympathizes and, even though it's slightly painful to do it, holds Chuck. "You love her, too?" Chuck asks one day. Casey hesitates, but nods. Chuck smiles wanly. "I thought so," he says gently. "I'm sorry, Casey," he says. Casey just shakes his head. They get up and walk away, because they both know the pain of leaving Sarah Walker behind. But they do it anyways, since it's time. It's time to leave to blonde agent behind. It's time to find something new, something else do. Chuck and Casey continue Carmicheal Industries. They work the cover job at the Buy-More. They both like to believe they're over Sarah, but both know they're not. And then one day, it pays off. Sarah Walker walks into the Buy-More, with dried tear tracks down her cheeks and a huge smile on her face. "I remember!" She says. All is quiet for a moment, and then Chuck and Sarah are reunited and it's Casey stands there and wants to hug her and kiss her just like Chuck was doing now. "Casey!" She says and she hugs him. He closes his eyes and pretends for a minute. But then she pulls away and his moment is broken and gone.


End file.
